That Old and Rusty Memory
by Lisianpeia
Summary: Jade never understood what happened to Saphir. It all happened because of him. His fault, his problem to deal with. Not Saphir’s. Why did he ended up this way?


**Warning: Massive spoilers ahead.**

**Disclaimer: **Nothing's mine and I'm not making any money out of it. Namco and Bandai ows it.

**A/N:** Everything that's written is based upon the anime.

Thanks – again and again - to **NamiLoveless** for the wonderful and willingly beta reader work. Again she was amazing at giving feed-back. Thank you!

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**That Old and Rusty Memory**

He never understood how Jade stopped researching about Professor Nebilim's project. How disrespectful of her he had become. Not only he stopped it, he also declared the technology forbidden. Not that this would stop him from carrying on the work, but it was outrageous! He was betraying her, her memory.

He missed their professor and those wonderful days. She cared for him more than anyone he had ever known. And not only for him, but also for everyone under her watch. Jade admired her as much as he did. He had never said it out loud - but he knew it was true. She was an amazing teacher and a terrific fonist, and taught them with caring and patience – it was quite impossible not to adore her. She was the first one who showed him fontech and its usefulness, and the first one to notice his ability for it. He had to get that back. He had to find a solution and bring her to life again. How could Jade not want that back?

After Jade dumped the project, Saphir had no idea how he would keep researching, and that's when he finally decided to join the Order. He could work there, developing fontech and that way he would have the necessary means to keep up the research.

Back then, he couldn't believe Jade was actually closing it. The worst part was how resolved he appeared with that decision. Like it wasn't a big deal! How could he? He tried to argue with him, but being stubborn as he was… It was one of the few times he saw Jade lose his temper.

"_Saphir, I have told you. The project is closed and it's illegal from now on.__"__  
__ "But, Jade, how can you? We must bring her back! You can't do this. We've been searching this for years now and we're close to a conclu…__"__  
__ "Stop it! We can't keep doing this! We are not getting close to anything, because there's__nothing to get close to! Can't you see it? They are not real. It wouldn't be her!__"__  
__ "But... But… You can't! You are betraying her! Betraying her memory!__"__  
__ "I __killed her, Saphir. I did it, not you. I don't understand your obsession about it!__"__  
__ "__We're friends; we are supposed to help each other… and.. and I miss her and I know you do too. We were happy.. don't you wanna be happy like that again?__"__  
"__You are pathetic. Still that nine-year-old child who hasn't grown up! And I see you never will. Get over it, she's not coming back.__"_

Jade never understood what happened to Saphir. Well, he could see what and why clearly, but not _how_. The guilt was all his. He had been the one to cause the explosion on Professor Nebilim's house. She died because of _him_, not because of Saphir. He never had a problem admitting that, even when he was only a child. His fault, his problem to deal with. Not Saphir's. Why did he ended up this way?

Back then, he chose to deal with it in the wrong way. Unfortunately, he realized that too late. Not for his sake, but for Saphir's. By the time it had happened his obsession with Nebilim was beyond Jade's. Saphir stood still in time. He was still nine and in need for guidance, protection and caring, which – in his mind – would only come through the Professor. He could only see that, in those days, they were happier and he wanted to go back there. His behavior was selfish and insane. But who was he to judge? After all, he was the one who had indulged him to it. In the end, he was partially guilty for Saphir's destiny.

He was never able to forgive himself for what he had done. He killed the only person he had truly admired. He was able to grow up, to finally see what she had been trying to teach him. But, forgiveness? Never. All he had left was his memories and he treasured those. Night after night he would go through them, remembering every detail about her. In the first months, right after his decision, he would still think of the "ifs" in his life. What if he had dropped the idea of being a Seventh Fonist? What if she hadn't died? After a while he learned that this was no way to live. He couldn't think about a possibility that –- well, _wasn't_ a real possibility. He accepted that fact and all the guilt he knew he'd carry for the rest of his life.

Back when Jade declared fomicry forbidden, Saphir said he was "betraying her and her memory". It was quite the opposite, in fact. Trying to do that to her – to any person, for that matter – was the mistake, the betrayal. Replicas were not the same person. Same face, similar fonon frequency, but not the same person. It was selfish to create a human being to ease your own guilt or whatever reason one can provide. It was wrong to the deceased and to new person that would come.

It was not the first time he had seen Saphir crying, but it was the most painful one – he shared his pain, but could do nothing for him.


End file.
